Gracy Obuchowicz

February 22, 2009

Blog

Poem by Hafiz

Gracy Obuchowicz

February 22, 2009

Blog

The Ambience of Love We all Sit in His orchestra. Some play their Fiddles,

Some wield their Clubs.

Tonight is worthy of music.

Let's get loose With Compassion.

Let's drown in the delicious Ambiance of Love.

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Becoming a mom is teaching me a lot about staying present. Jonah is so full of life with emotions that change from moment to moment. I feel so connected to him and treasure our time together. And yet, I also want to look at my phone all the time. Get this: sometimes I want to take a pause from our in-person interaction so I can look at photos of him. Kinda crazy right? I think of this as a cultural affliction rather than a personal problem. We haven't been taught how to deal with the intimacy of the present moment, even though I think we are all craving it so much. This affects all our relationships, particularly with ourselves. It's the most basic and often the hardest layer of self-care - just being with what is without trying to change it. For me, staying present is a practice. I feel how much I want to be there with Jonah AND how much I want to look at my phone. I breathe and giggle at the situation. Sometimes I look at my phone still and try to relish the escapism. Other times I put my phone down and gaze deeper into my babe's eyes. He's looking back at me. He sees me. He's teaching me so much about myself.

A few thoughts on guilt (and motherhood): I admit that guilt is a feeling I've experienced often in my life. I want everyone to be happy (and to be more honest, I want to escape conflict). This is impossible but some part of me still magically expects that I could and thus I feel guilty when I can't show up perfectly. After working with so many clients, I know I'm not alone. We are letting guilt rule our lives! Becoming a mother has intensified all this. This little guy needs me so often. I am his food source and even when he's not hungry, my boobs are still the place he turns for comfort (this is called non-nutritive sucking and no, he will not accept a pacifier so far). Sometimes I just can't anymore and I feel so guilty to hear him cry. I realized that I was putting more pressure on myself to let go of guilt. My idealized self always feels confident and is taking motherhood in stride. My real self is riding the ups and downs, can sometimes see through guilt and sometimes feels like she's drowning in it. Somehow accepting this truth and taking perfect off the table makes it all easier. With this, I'll keep going, thriving one moment and struggling the next. Mostly I'll realize that I'm not alone in being a real deal human being who keeps learning a whole lot about life.

A few of you have been wondering how Poncho and Jonah are getting along. The answer is that they had their first real meeting this weekend (Poncho was here for our home birth but that was a crazy night for us all). This is because I share Poncho with my ex - going four years strong in this arrangement - and he's been great about keeping him when I couldn't get out of bed, let alone walk the guy. I was nervous about taking Poncho back, not because of how he would react to the babe but because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough energy to give Poncho the affection he's used to from me. Do others go through this fear of care-taking scarcity? Having a baby is stretching me to my limits. It's hard to find energy for myself, let alone for any other being but Jonah. Even when I heard about the shootings in Las Vegas yesterday, my first reaction was "I don't know if I have the emotional energy to take that in." Of course, I was forgetting everything I've learned about real care-giving. When I'm tuned in from a place of actual open-hearted love (rather than my habit of self-sacrifice), the energy renews itself. Being with Poncho was really wonderful and comforting (and he seemed mildly interested in the baby but still very focused on the cat). Praying for the victims families and talking to Micah about US gun culture helped me feel connected instead of disoriented by the violence. Once again, I am humbled by how much I can learn about real self-care. Luckily, I'm fascinated by the process and love what mothering is showing me. I'm more committed than ever to seeing through my own denial and realizing that I can keep my heart open to whatever is happening. In any moment that might mean rest, or speaking out or just tears of empathy. There's no formula except staying self-aware enough to care. Whatever it is, I trust this care to guide the way while also helping to sustain the journey.

Here's one of me with the little guy (thanks for taking it @musicfairie). Real talk: I haven't posted many pictures of us together because I haven't like how I looked. So I gained 43 lbs while I was pregnant. During my first two trimesters I was careful with my diet and because it was challenging, I ate whatever comforted me in my third trimester. Throughout it all, I felt pretty beautiful. I mostly do now too, except when I see pictures of myself. They remind me of the places that used to be muscle and now are soft and how that is a weakness somehow. They tell me I have to get it all back together or I never will. Reasoning with myself, I affirm that my body has just done the most amazing thing ever (and continues to as I breastfeed Jonah and he grows). It tells me nine months in and thus nine months out for my body to heal. What's most important now is that I keep resting. But those other voices never quite go away. For me, self-care is recognizing both sides as true: 1) I'm not totally free from believing in the cultural expectation that I need to lose my pregnancy weight quickly or else lose my worth as a woman (scarcity mentality!) and 2) it's all BS and I'm just going to enjoy the miracle of life (abundance!). Embracing both helps me to be softer with myself. Maybe someday I'll really be at total peace with my body but today I'll just practice self-awareness and let it all be the messy, beautiful process that this is.

Oh our sweet little guy has such a case of baby acne! Apparently 40% of infants get it, it's painless for them and it goes away by around week six. So no biggie but it has been interesting to watch my reactions around the less-than-perfect parts of motherhood. Jonah is fussier this week than in his first two. He wants to eat all the time (and he can because my milk supply is strong because he wants to eat all the time. Breastfeeding = the original supply and demand). However, he gets super gassy and fussy after most feedings right now which means lots of screaming crying, which is hard to watch when I can't do anything to stop it. At first I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to love all parts of this newborn process. The other night I hit a wall and realized that just because I love him doesn't mean I have to even like getting up at all hours of the night, the crying fits, the leaking breasts and all the other unglamorous parts of motherhood. It felt like a relief to admit the truth and dealing with those things actually got a little easier. I realized how many perfectionist sinkholes will be on this parenting path. I feel grateful that I know myself well enough to understand when I'm falling into one (it's usually when I'm getting uptight, judgmental, and catastrophizing everything). When I do, all I can do is pull myself out. I do this by admitting I am struggling to someone I trust (usually Micah in these moments). Then I get to re enter. I take a deep breath, cuddle the beautiful babe and get back to work doing the best I can.

Happy 10 days of life to Jonah! In this time we've gotten the hang of breastfeeding (which I think is the most amazing human process - repairs my postpartum body as it builds his), had a beautiful eighth day of life ceremony created and led by @river_and_root_ceremonies where Jonah was welcomed with a foot-washing ritual and blessings from our immediate family, and discovered that Jonah has the alter ego of a starving pterodactyl (oh the crying fits when he's overwhelmed and tired). The biggest surprise is that so far, this guy can sleep for four hour stretches at night so we are getting more sleep that expected. We've also had a lovely stream of relatives helping us with eating and laundry and a few beautiful meals dropped off on our doorstep by friends. It's an edge to receive so much but it's also so inspiring to watch the generosity of our community in action. Micah has also been a dream - making me oatmeal, running my baths, changing diapers like a champ. I knew my life would change dramatically the moment I gave birth, but I figured that process would be more about me struggling through the wilds of mothering on my own. Again, it's this idea of fierce independence that our capital-driven culture demands and the damage it causes to our psyches. So far my process involves softening to receive, taking time to rest and heal, and telling myself over and over again that I am worthy of support and care. Because if I am not worthy then I send the message that no mothers or caretakers are worthy and everyone, mostly these sweet innocent babes, will suffer. So today I will embrace rest, snuggle Jonah and believe this could lead to the change I want to see in this world.

Welcome to our world Jonah Aleksander! He arrived very early Saturday morning in the most surprising of ways (it's a truly epic birth story that I'll share fully once I have more energy). We are very healthy, recovering from the journey and totally in awe of LIFE. Thank you for all your support along the way. My heart is so full of everything and so excited to get to know this little guy more!

This is a bowl of homemade congee (rice porridge) with shiitake mushrooms, roasted sweet potatoes and cashews. This is a post about how to practice self-care during a period of doubt. Right now, this baby is anywhere from 1-7 days overdue. This is completely normal. Most first-time moms are at least a week overdue. Honestly, it's not so much that I want to have the baby right now (I know I'll have quite a long stretch of motherhood soon enough), it's that I want to end this moment of waiting. Yes, it's physically uncomfortable in a way I haven't been expecting - everything aches and my acid reflux is so bad I could barely digest this soothing food bowl. But more than that, I'm emotionally uncomfortable. I don't have much to keep me busy as I wait and wait. This gives lots of space for thoughts and feelings to float to the surface. I realize how much my pride is flaring up. This isn't going along with my idea of having a perfect birth and as crazy as this may sound, I feel like I'm disappointing the people around me by not already having the baby. I worry about the baby's health and whether or not I will be a good mom or if I will even like motherhood. When all these feelings come up, all I want to do is watch TV and eat french fries (oddly the one thing I can digest). I want to hide from the world and from myself. Yet this makes me feel worse. For the past few days, I've been wondering how to practice self-care when very little feels stable. I wonder for myself and for the people affected by Harvey, for all the refugees in the world and anyone who doesn't know how life will happen next (and of course I don't consider my problems to be problems at all compared to those other groups - I'm just curious if there are common answers we can discover). Right now what's working for me is honesty about where I'm struggling and super small steps in the direction of self-care. This morning that meant rose water spray on my face, a walk in the rain with Poncho and oatmeal on the stovetop. It means being extra gentle with myself and letting others support me. It means surrendering to life as it wants to come and saying quiet "thank you's" as I take the next tiny step forward.

I have another story about everyday justice that I want to share. As a practice, for each full or new moon I like to pick a few tarot cards to show me what might come up during the two-week cycle. Last week I picked "Breakthrough" (which is the Justice card in other decks) and wondered what that meant. Two days later, I heard from my old landlords that they wanted to deduct almost half of my security deposit to replace the carpeting, which was stained and old when I moved in. I got incredibly triggered, feeling so angry for this injustice and also so avoidant of wanting to do anything about it. I just wanted to hide and have it magically right itself. That night I said the Serenity Prayer. I thought of what I could not change - my landlords integrity and actions - and what I could change - asking for help and being direct in how I responded to them. The next day, I called my lawyer brother and together, we crafted a well-researched email about why their plan wouldn't hold up legally. I sent it and when I received their response showing me the stains I had caused (the ones that were there when I moved in), simply reiterated my position and promised them I would follow it through until the end. I was surprised that I felt empowered instead of angry. There wasn't an ounce of victim energy in me. Later that night, they told me they would give me my whole deposit back. Justice was served! After watching the heart-breaking violence that occurred this weekend it occurred to me that we all need this feeling of justice. Can we stand strong in our righteousness and directness, even when we want to hide from confrontation? Can we accept that we may never change others but we can use their example to become more alive and integrated as human beings? I think these questions are crucial as we move forward into this next generation of tolerance and justice that all of us so deeply deserve.