Latest from Instagram:

Finally we are settling in! Poncho and Dinah (my partner's cat) aren't exactly best friends but there are far fewer conflicts. We have more rooms put together than not in our new home and we are being patient with ourselves as we take our time with the others. Yes, patience is everything right now. Since I am a naturally fiery person, it doesn't take much to set off my reactions. From my fear brain, the cat and dog will fight forever or a tense moment with Micah means we will break up. This is old thinking that wants to keep me safe. However, if I don't watch it it will start to take over and make rash decisions for me. The truth is, as I'm living it day-by-day, that situations are rarely ever all good or bad. Everything is steeped in nuance and either I embrace this shaky, unknown reality or I suffer endlessly. Being pregnant absolutely demands that I calm down and wait for life to move me. This is teaching me so much. My fear was always that if I stopped for a moment I would miss out on everything. Yet rather than get stuck, I feel like I am growing more than ever. I'm learning to trust it all and watch it change naturally, all so very slowly and surely. It's hard and it's amazing. It's totally life on life's terms. It's getting more and more real! As we continue to nest into our new home - with some of our moving issues getting resolved and others persisting - this baby is undoubtedly growing. Being pregnant has been the most amazing exploration of biology. Mainly, I don't do anything. My body completely understands how to take this little guy from a cluster of cells into a full human being. Self-care helps but it's definitely not running the show. This experience (and finally reading the Tao Te Ching) is waking me up to "the Way." It's a very big yet simple concept that I interpret to mean trusting what is and surrendering to life, exactly as it's happening. Sometimes I do take action but I don't have to overthink or overdo in my pursuit of being "effective." Life has been taking care of me my whole life - since I was just a cluster of cells - and giving me my marching orders along the way. When I am really relaxed, I feel the Way pulsating through everything and I see there really is nothing to do. The paradox is that I get my most creative and genuinely effective ideas from this place and the energy to carry them out. The secret is creating the time and space to really listen. The skill is in the trust. The power is in the attentive, compassionate surrender. We made it! We moved! Our bodies and belongings and pets now live under one roof of a house that gazes out to this backyard. It's been a very imperfect move. Our new house was filthy when we got here so we've had to deep clean as we go. Our pets (Poncho and Dinah) are very unsocialized with each other and need to be separated, which puts us all on edge. Even the beautiful backyard is filled with poison ivy! Plus boxes, so many boxes, to unpack and our energy reserves are shot. It's all very stressful and my self-care routines are uprooted as well. The only thing that helps right now is beauty. A cup of coffee in my favorite mug, Paul Simon on the record player, the gorgeous Blessingway ceremony that dear Nic gifted me this weekend. My friend Louise told me about a John O'Donohue quote that reminds us that beauty is strong enough to hold us through our vulnerability. As I transition so deeply into this new life that is both so messy and so full of promise, I will be calling on beauty (especially the beauty of friendship) often to pull me close, brush my hair back, and remind me of my strength. It's the simple fuel that keeps me going. For this moment, it's all I need. Ok, today is the day! Poncho and I are moving out of our beloved apartment. It's been such an important space for both of us. I've gone through so many big life experiences here and Poncho has barked at so many delivery people through the window. It's been an epic phase of life and now we are transitioning to our next big stage. I've been reflecting that transitions are both an easy place to buckle and an opportunity for immense strength (think of flexible joints on a bridge and how much support they provide). I'm getting so overwhelmed in moments and then finding that I can surrender into the stress and move with unprecedented calm. This all feels like ninja training for motherhood. So onwards, today we will pack and load and unpack. We will stress and surrender and be relieved. We will move forward, imperfectly and with love. This might be my most "duh" post ever, but I want to share something that feels revolutionary to me (lest it might rock someone else's world too). As a result of a few current life experiences, I've been learning a lot more about emotional intelligence. Before, I intellectually understood that it was a good thing to listen to my emotions but I so often didn't trust them, especially when they conflicted with what other people wanted or thought. I tried to drop all angry, sad or scared feelings before I even understood them. I thought this made me evolved but I now know that this is called "spiritual bypass." Now, by courageously feeling and trusting my feelings, I realize that I can let them go but only after I learn from what they are telling me. I'm learning that it's ok to feel differently from other people and express that, even if it means admitting I am hurt or angry or disconnected. And instead of alienating everyone, my relationships are getting so much better - especially the one with me. Again, this might be stupidly simple but with habit change, I think it's a good idea to start in an incredibly basic way. For me, that means embracing how I feel, trusting that it's right and giving others space to do the same. Poncho and I are gearing up for our move in two weeks! Honestly, I'm dreading it - I hate moving - but also I'm really excited for what's on the other side of all those cardboard boxes. Last weekend, I hosted the Self Care 101 retreat. As always, it was an incredible weekend of radical honesty, feminine strength and deep inspiration (and really good chocolate cake). Now I'm back and it's on to the next thing. I've noticed that I make little milestones in my mind -- "I can relax after the fundraiser or after the retreat or after the move or after the baby is born (?!)." The truth is that the stresses of life never end and I can choose to delude myself or to relax right in the middle of them. So with that, I sit in the morning with coffee and my book; I do forward folds by candlelight before getting into bed. Self-care isn't a way out, it's the way through. It gives me what I need to keep taking risks and opening my heart. It fuels me to keep going through this big crazy, beautiful life of steadiness and constant change. Last weekend, my high school crew team christened a boat they named after my father. A small crowd gathered after the regatta ended, my brother and I said a few words and we doused the bow of the boat with San Pellegrino. During it all, a light rain came down on us all. I hadn't been down to the boat house since my dad's memorial two years ago and seeing the river, the trees, his friends all brought back a lot. My dad and I had an at-times tough relationship during his life and I honestly don't miss those tense conversations. I do miss seeing or hearing about his happy moments and most of them were alongside a river, helping high school rowers dock their boats or calling the finish line. More honestly, I still feel him so much with me. It's a softer relationship than when he was alive -- just a strong presence I can call on when needed. I imagine I will need it a lot in these coming years of birth and change. Although it's strange to me that this child won't know his grandfather, I think on some level he really will. We can come see this boat row, tell stories about these happy moments and feel him in the river, the trees, the rain, everywhere. Oh great river! It's a blessing to have you in our city and I'm so sorry for the ways we haven't kept you beautiful. We are learning. Please give us time. This morning, I laid in bed listening to the rain falling and the rumbles of thunder farther away. I took Poncho for his walk and we both turned our faces up to the sky. There's a new life growing in my womb and I can't rush that, can't control it, really can't even protect this baby, even though I desperately want to keep everyone and everything safe forever and ever. So what can I do? I can pray. How do I pray? By feeling my smallness it in all. By not blaming others. But tending to my own plot of land as well as I can and knowing it's all so very temporary. I pray by listening to the rain and letting it wash away my fear, give me truer energy as I once again tip my face up to the enormous sky. Oh we did it! AbunDANCE (the ladies dance party + fundraiser for @thrive_dc ) was AMAZING. We raised almost $2000!! And we learned a lot, as the night went off with quite a few hitches. For example, we showed up at the church that was hosting us to set up and found our party room filled with indigenous people protestors (and all of their sleeping bags/air mattresses) who had come for the climate march. We didn't know what to do and I just concentrated on not freaking out. Finally, after a bit of awkward waiting time and a few tarot cards, we were assigned a new space. From there our feminine power leapt into action. In about an hour, we transformed that dark church basement into a space befit for queens. So many wonderful ladies came out to dance and eat and be merry. New friendships were sparked at the dance floor and while taking photos and eating the food (omg the food!). Overall it was imperfectly perfect, the stuff from which good stories are made. Setting up this event was a lot of work for a lot of people. It's hard to quantify the exact value of it all but in my heart I feel it was worth it, so very worth it. So, it's not dramatic but you can definitely see the bump filling in. Strangers are starting to ask if I'm expecting. Also I can't sleep on my stomach anymore 😧 which is taking a lot of readjustment. All of these signs are letting me know, yup, this is real. Micah and I have also just signed a lease on a beautiful home in Brookland, with a charming wooden staircase and dreamy fenced-in back yard for Poncho. We move June 1st. I'm so happy on so many levels and on Sunday I had to sit down and cry for a little while. It almost hurts to let in so much abundance. It's tearing down the walls of my heart and my normal boundaries aren't there. Its scary sometimes. I have to trust so deeply in myself and so completely in the moment. I guide my clients through these life breakthroughs often but I think it's been a while since I've personally had one. It's so beautiful and beyond me at the same time. I need to take long deep breaths to stay with all the change. Self-care, I tell myself. I just have to keep taking care of myself. I just have to keep up with life today.