i woke up with work on my mind this morning. there are postcards to be printed for the costa rica and memorial day yoga retreats, cds that need to be mailed out to photo clients, and this week i'm finishing up my class outlines for fem*ex, which i'll be co-facilitating at youthbuild dcpcs this spring. i feel lucky that i'm at a place where a morning of working on projects sends a shiver up my spine. as much as i curse technology sometimes, i do love sitting at my desk with a cup of tea and the feeling of accomplishment that checking a project off my to do list will give me.
of course, i can also look a little deeper and see that this compulsion to work may be coming from me getting ready to leave town on a vacation. yes, it's a vacation and it's to a tropical place! bermuda to be more exact. and while i am there i am not teaching yoga, massaging anyone, photographing anything (except what i like), visiting family or having any outward purpose except to relax, soak up sunshine and cargar las pilas. i'm excited! and also, i think my puritanical side is a little freaked out, hence wanted to dive into work.
for these past seven months or so i've been so so busy almost every weekend with yoga training and photography and teaching workshops. during that time i promised myself that once i had some free weekends i would let myself relax and really enjoy them. at first it was wonderful and little by little, i feel the need to "do" knocking at my door with it's tiny, steely knuckles. i felt it particularly this weekend when a photo job canceled and adam and i found ourselves with a free, beautiful day to play in dc. we walked around the loveliness of dumbarton oaks, drank tea at ching chang cha, saw the hunger games (loved it, even though i haven't read the books), and ate the best cupcakes in the sunshine down by the river. it's the afternoon i've always dreamed of but during it i had to keep telling myself that i was allowed to enjoy it and not work and spend a little hard-earned money on myself.
i saw this quote yesterday and it helped me understand: "We’re not worthy, and we’re not unworthy. Worthiness has nothing to do with it. Life gives us everything, freely, with a generosity it’s hard for us to grasp. We don’t earn it. Our part is to say thank you and give back from the generosity that has given us so much." - Cheri Huber
so that's it. it's not a cycle of working to earn our free time, but rather it's an exercise in enjoying and accepting what comes to us. when i lived in peru, i felt like i had to navigate a lot of worlds. one weekend i would spend a day swimming in the pool of an embassy family in lima and then next i would be back with my host family eating bread and drinking weak tea by the fire stove. my mantra became to appreciate it all without comparison. right now i am in the cycle of relaxation and play and i'm gonna go with that, as best i can, until things get busy again--just because i can.