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I have another story about everyday justice that I want to share. As a practice, for each full or new moon I like to pick a few tarot cards to show me what might come up during the two-week cycle. Last week I picked "Breakthrough" (which is the Justice card in other decks) and wondered what that meant. Two days later, I heard from my old landlords that they wanted to deduct almost half of my security deposit to replace the carpeting, which was stained and old when I moved in. I got incredibly triggered, feeling so angry for this injustice and also so avoidant of wanting to do anything about it. I just wanted to hide and have it magically right itself. That night I said the Serenity Prayer. I thought of what I could not change - my landlords integrity and actions - and what I could change - asking for help and being direct in how I responded to them. The next day, I called my lawyer brother and together, we crafted a well-researched email about why their plan wouldn't hold up legally. I sent it and when I received their response showing me the stains I had caused (the ones that were there when I moved in), simply reiterated my position and promised them I would follow it through until the end. I was surprised that I felt empowered instead of angry. There wasn't an ounce of victim energy in me. Later that night, they told me they would give me my whole deposit back. Justice was served! After watching the heart-breaking violence that occurred this weekend it occurred to me that we all need this feeling of justice. Can we stand strong in our righteousness and directness, even when we want to hide from confrontation? Can we accept that we may never change others but we can use their example to become more alive and integrated as human beings? I think these questions are crucial as we move forward into this next generation of tolerance and justice that all of us so deeply deserve. I took this picture yesterday morning (much sunnier than this current rainy one we are having in DC). Weighing in at 38 weeks, I think this'll be the last belly shot I'll share. These final weeks are intense! It's physically challenging, which I expected but also my brain feels fundamentally different - equal parts extreme nesting mentality and then just floating off into space. A week ago I was in tears at that thought of actually going through labor, but last night it felt doable, even something I am excited about. I'm extremely curious to meet this babe who spends so much time shifting about in my womb. We are so close but I don't know what he looks like! I'm also curious to meet myself as a mother. I imagine I'm going to like it (mostly) but there's no real way to know until he comes. There are so many unknowns! I've written a lot about trust during this pregnancy - trusting the process, Mother Nature, myself. There's a lot of connection in this experience of gestation and then also so much wild aloneness. I'm inspired by so many other mothers out there but I also know that for this motherhood thing to work I have to drawn inward and trust myself in a whole new way. This means being even fiercer in my practice of self-love and letting everything else fall where it may. As a control freak, this is terrifying but as a woman, a committed human being, it's immensely liberating. So I ask you, where can you be fiercer in your love, what can fall away as a result, how can you hold yourself in that tender aloneness that means you are truly becoming yourself in this world? Remember those doves who were nesting above our front porch? These are the chicks!! They emerged so fluffy and wobbly with tiny hooked beaks. Sometimes we'd see a parent bird sitting in the nest with them. Other times they'd be left alone, starring over the edge. One morning I got back from my walk and found the white neighborhood cat opportunistically sitting under the nest. I took this picture a few days ago and wondered at what point they would be ready to fly away on their own. They seemed big enough but still so young. This morning I came back again and saw the nest was empty. I thought of the cat and those tender birds and got teary. When I checked my phone I saw Micah had texted me with a photo of the chick sitting on a nearby car. They were flying! I'm so happy about their growth and then so sad they won't be there anymore. Yes, I realize I am anthropomoralizing all of this, but I needed to see this example of wild, free parenthood. I needed to understand the instincts that come forward in this common day story of life and death. As my due date gets closer, its the affirmation that reminds me I somehow already know how to mother, how to hatch my chick and then someday how to find him gone from the nest and perhaps be ok with that reality. I spent yesterday putting together the rest of the nursery furniture with this guy. (Clarification, that means I sat in the glider and watched Micah navigate pages of IKEA instructions 😏). Moving in together has been so much more fun than I even imagined. I still feel very much like myself, but amplified by our relationship. Those of you who have known me for a while know that this was SO not always the case. I've spent a lot of my life frustrated by relationships and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. At one point a few years back, I was seeing a therapist and had THREE different shaman helping me with my love life. And it still wasn't working! But last year I found the support I needed to peel back a deeper layer in myself. I saw a lot of hard stuff that I had been avoiding for a long time and gently, began feeling some very tough emotions. The result? First, I got super happy being single (finally!). Then, almost immediately, I began dating Micah. Pretty soon after we got knocked up and the rest is history. It's amazing to me how simple it was once I straightened a few things out in my head and in my heart. I've been hungry to share more about this revolutionary (for me at least) relational self-care. So, for the next few weeks, until I deliver this baby, I'm offering a video series on what I've learned about healthy relationships. You can watch them though my Wednesday newsletters. Just sign up through my website (link in my bio) and presto, you'll be on my mailing list! Take what you need and unsubscribe if it's not feeling useful. (I also think this is a great self-care motto for life.) Oh my sweet Poncho! His dog beard is always good but sometimes it's just so GOOD. Everything has been settling down even further. The dog and the cat can mostly sit in the same room with each other without commotion (usually Poncho getting too close and Dinah, the cat, hissing and Poncho getting shy and trying to hide his head. It's like a schoolyard romance!). We are also in the final countdown to have this baby! He probably won't come until later in August but it's crazy to think he could be here any day. My nesting instinct is strong and when I can't sleep in the middle of the night (sleeping while pregnant can be hard!), my mind wants to arrange the nursery, figure out daycare, program in my future self-care time. I watch my mind and laugh. How could I plan all this out? Isn't the point that I couldn't possibly know? I know what I want to get done each day and when it's time to rest and when my body needs food. I know there's a pair of doves that have built a scraggly nest on the pillar of our front porch. They seem to switch off with each other daily and then sit, unblinking and calm, on their eggs. They are the best role models I could imagine right now. I must wait and decide how I want to react to all the layers of anxiety that come up, knowing many of my reactions are probably optional. Nature has this one. I feel held by that force which also includes you all -- your love and support. More than ever I know I am not doing this alone. It's such a weird and thrilling sensation to open this month's issue of Washingtonian magazine and see the article one of my students wrote about taking my Self Care 101 course and the uprising of the self-care movement. I think she did a great job talking about the nuance of authentic self-care and how much the emotional journey has to develop alongside the physical practices (it can't all be about diet and going to the gym). I know that all this talk of self-care can seem like a fad, but personally I think this conversation will only become more important as we move forward. How can we care for our world if we aren't caring for ourselves? I've never seen real self-care make someone more selfish. It unsticks us - often in very undramatic ways - so that we have enough energy to see, hear and serve others. I know I say this all the time (and other people in the article say it quite beautifully too) but I think it's necessary to keep affirming that self-care is necessary for a bigger shift. To grow as a culture, we need to shine some much-needed light onto our habitual self-sacrificing and self-destructive. With this personal awareness, we can open up a lot of mutual care for the whole. What do you all think? Agree/disagree? What still doesn't sit right with you in this self-care conversation? Omg I have such a crazy full-moon continuation of the DMV story I shared in my last post! The the summary of the first story is that last week a guy cut in front of me, was really rude when I confronted him and I left the DMV in tears. On the surface it was annoying but underneath our interaction really shook me in a way that I couldn't articulate. I kept thinking about this guy and why he would act that way. It was so unsettling that I started prayed for some kind of resolution. Well, last night I got it! Micah and I were walking near U St and passed a ramen place with outdoor seating. The guy was sitting right there having dinner! After a little pep talk, I decided to go over, introduce myself and tell him my experience of our encounter. He looked so surprised but remembered me and genuinely seemed to listen as I explained how vulnerable it felt to be pregnant and how hurt I was by our interaction. Then his girlfriend turned around and got upset with me! At that point I was done and walked away. At first I was shaky - the whole thing felt so vulnerable - but then I started to feel awesome. The biggest lesson I got was that even if we choose to ignore it, we still live in a community. Our illusion of anonymity can make us think there is no accountability and act in inhumane ways. Remembering that we can easily run to each other again - even in a big city like D.C. - could shift some perception on his part. Or maybe not. From my end, it was empowering to speak to him in a calm, direct way and the synchronicity of the whole encounter made me feel something larger at work. Is the story over yet? I have no idea but, as always, I'm open to learning more. Oh I have a story that involves unconditional love and the DMV! On Tuesday and Wednesday I saw Amma, a yogi who travels the world to hug people. It's always an incredible experience to feel the love and wisdom of her presence (more on this in the blog post I wrote -- link in my profile). Then yesterday, I had to go to the DMV before seeing the midwives. It was late before they called my number and when I went to the window, a man jumped in line in front of me. He had missed hearing his number and the clerk told me I would have to wait until he was done. They started calling the numbers after mine and when I asked to see another person, the clerk said she couldn't put my number back in the mix. I would just have to wait. I realized I would miss my midwives appointment if I waited another 30 minutes and told the man. Without going into details, he was really rude and I left the DMV in tears. The clerk hadn't said anything while it happened. I felt so defenseless and like I had been exposed to the worst of humanity within 24 hours of feeling the best of humanity. All the goodness from my time with Amma seemed to evaporate from my heart as I began to think genuinely hateful thoughts about this man. I went into complete victim mode, which is always a very violent energy to carry in my body. I realized that more than cringing at this part of humanity, I was reacting to the hate in my own heart and how I have no idea how to metabolize it. I was feeling pretty spiritually enlightened when I left Amma. Now I feel like a real human being who has a lot of work to do on the whole "turning the other cheek" concept. I'd rather have this than spiritually bypass the whole thing (my old pattern). My work now is to expand the definition of love to include that man. I'm completely not there yet but I know this is my task. I sense love is strong enough to hold me in the process, as I open to an even bigger definition of acceptance and am infinitely humbled in the process of growth. Fourth of July feels 🐕 💥 😩#prayforponcho I caught this photo while walking last week with dear Yael, post-volunteering and post cheesy-frittata breakfast. It was beautiful to me and I was a little surprised. I don't usually think of myself as patriotic, especially not these days when it's hard to tell what our national identity even means and there's a daily reminder of what's wrong with humanity blaring from the news. I often question how helpful it is to get upset. Is my anger the fuel that keeps me fighting against injustice or is it an emotional sinkhole that drains the energy I need for the work that is truly mine? Some mornings I don't turn on the radio because I just don't want to hear it. Am I hiding or preserving? I truly don't know but it feels important to keep asking myself that question. What has helped me most in this political climate is taking an evolutionary perspective. It can be easy to think we were almost "there" (as in we had almost reached a society that valued truth, justice, and caring for our people) yet this election revealed such an important layer. We are seeing the ugly, squishy shadow of many of our privileges, actions and attitudes. We are facing our own victim-mentality, bottled-up rage and deep indifference. We are seeing ourselves in radical new ways. To me, this feels as productive as it does scary. To me, I equal parts want to observe what's unfolding and create radical change. Can both be true? I don't know. Yet in the space to question it all and the belief that I could still possibly make a difference, I am grateful to be here and now. It's rich, it's fascinating and there is so much opportunity for positive change. That's all the patriotism I have in this moment and that could potentially be enough to keep me moving forward.