How is your day going? Are you feeling things? Like...absolutely nothing, maybe something, everything all at once?
Me too. Sometimes I can't believe how much can happen inside of one day.
I started this morning in tears. They weren't pretty little tears but more like ugly sobby tears. I cried with my whole body.
Over the past few days, life has felt way too big to handle. There are so many variables. I want to get it all under control. I want everyone to love me. I want to be endlessly successful. I don't want to mess up.
That's the story my ego wants to write to you all: I win. The end. Oh and PS--Hope you can figure out how to be so perfect too!
Yet here I am, writing all the hard parts so openly. I'm a little cringey as I type these words. I don't want to be wrong or perceived as not already having this self care process figured out. How can I help you when I still struggle?
Yet when you read this, I wonder if some part of you feels better knowing that I struggle too.
Yesterday someone I respect very much opened up about the places where he still feels deeply lost. Instead of being repelled, a whole new layer of trust broke loose in my heart.
His struggles only make him more lovable. My client's struggles are the most interesting part of their journey. It's where the juice is and where the healing pours forth. When I watch them, I feel 100% assured that they are allowed to be deeply in process and that this makes them stronger.
So the questions is--can I feel the same way about myself?
I'm trying. I'm really really trying. It's so hard sometimes when the sh*tty voice in my head is telling me I should already have this life stuff figured out. It's so disheartening when I fool myself into believing that I am the only one who is carrying this painful load of not feeling good enough.
Consciously embracing myself as a work in progress and sharing that out with the world is the deepest spiritual work I know.
Learning to love my own struggles is so real. It's not a linear journey at all but rather a rich spiraling process that takes me into my own heart. It hurts and hurts and then suddenly it flares up into joy. It's so very ALIVE.
I'm not sure the spiraling will ever end or even if it should. Showing up for the ride is a daily practice. When I show up fully for myself--through the pain and the pleasure--life moves forward. When I hide in perfectionism, I get stuck.
How do I keep moving through it all?
Truly the answer is self care. It's the only thing I've found that really works.
After I finished crying this morning, I meditated, drank some coffee (yes, I'm back on the sauce, one cup a day) and rolled out my yoga mat for a few sun salutations and some core work. I listened to the Dear Sugars while jogging with Poncho. We saw the feral deer at Catholic University and ran alongside them for a drunkenly joyful moment.
Then I had a conversation with my mother where we both apologized for the hardness of being fully in relationship. I ate a little breakfast, took a warm shower and went out into the world to teach meditation to these lovely folks. It wasn't a perfect morning at all but I feel great affection as I type it all out.
Self care doesn't take the hardness away but rather it gives me to energy I need to keep going. It reminds me that I am worth showing up for. It helps me stay strong and fluid so I can enjoy the ride.
It tells me again and again that I am the love that I seek. I can search for it everywhere and struggle. Authentic self care will always point me back to my center.
So here is my love letter to you and to me and to each of us that is willing to take a good long look within, throw up our hands and say "HELL YES!" to the journey
Honey, sister, lover, I am in the same small boat as you. We are rocking together in the middle of this big sea. Water is coming in from all sides. We're working overtime to bail it out. Our hair is plastered to our foreheads. We're angry at each other because we each think we are working the hardest.
Suddenly a giant wave comes in. It's hopeless. We throw up our hands and laugh. We give up and float along until the sun shines down on us again. We tell stories and remember our beauty and breathe deeply as the next round of storm clouds peak around the corner.
We can do this--together. Together, we can remember that we aren't here to change our lives but rather to love them as the exquisite mess they are. Love is everything everything and even more than words can express, the only truth that matters knowing.