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Here’s my little family going to protest against white supremacy last weekend. Protesting with a baby is complicated but so worth it. It felt so good to be in the crowd with Jonah and use my presence to say “No, that’s not what I believe. This is not the world I want to pass down to my child.” I’m not sure if you know this about me (I posted a series on my history a few years back), but I’m first generation American on my dad’s side. My grandparents were refugees from Poland after WWII. Their homes were destroyed, most of their families were killed, and my grandparents were separated for years - not knowing if the other was alive and losing their daughter in that period - while my grandfather was in a Siberian detention camp. They had my father in a displaced persons camp in London after the war, and immigrated with him to the US when he was five. My history is largely formed by fleeing violence as a refugee, which just adds another layer when I watch children separated from their families. I try to imagine what it must be like to leave your whole world behind, not because you want to but because you and your children will die otherwise. I try to imagine the horrors of the journey, how terrifying and exhausting it must be, especially with children. Then, I think of the vulnerability of arriving and trying to explain your situation to officials and care for your children who so tired and confused, and then having them taken away in this exhausted state. I mean, really? People do this? Can you imagine the fear of not knowing where your child is going? My drive to protect Jonah is so strong. It is so hard for me to imagine having him taken from me, but I must work to feel it all because it is happening to people in my country. It’s an immense privilege to be born Im the United States and be white and never have to worry about Jonah being taken from me. I want this for all families. We might feel powerless to change the larger system, but we are completely capable of cultivating our empathy and sharing that with the people around us and listening to those who hold less power than us and continuing to show up for the world we want to pass onto all children. One of the biggest changes of late is that I’m getting my toes done again! Before I had my son Jonah, I had a biweekly date to get a full mani/pedi. Then, I got pregnant and stopped because of the chemicals and expense. Now, I’m getting just my toes done and when I look down, it makes me happy. Obviously, pedicures are probably the most superficial layer of self-care, but I think it’s a good example of letting ourselves ebb and flow with our self-care as we grow with life. Another example of growth is that this month marks 10 years of me being an entrepreneur. Yup, that’s ten years of making my own paycheck, doing things as ridiculous as chasing dogs with treats to take their pictures and as exciting as leading a yoga retreat in Bali. If you asked me last year about this success, I would have mentioned being a hard worker. This year, however, I’ve been doing some powerful, challenging work to unpack how white supremacy shows up in my own life. One of the hardest parts for me to let go of is the myth of a meritocracy. We all work hard. Being poor and navigating our capitalist society seems like incredibly hard work to me. As a white entrepreneur, I have been granted privileges that people of color would not be afforded. It’s humbling in the best possible ways to realize this. I’m sorry for not seeing it sooner and I’m going to do better to become aware and share what I am learning and unlearning. If you need support in this, and I think most white people do, I highly suggest taking one of @desireeadaway’s trainings. It’s helped me so continue growing as a woman, business owner and human being. Also, please attend a counter protest this weekend to mark the one year anniversary of Charlottesville. Especially if you are a white person, taking a stand against racism is so vitally important. Finally, I’m so excited about the podcast I recorded with Benjamin Spall of @morningroutines about morning routines. Wanna disrupt the system? Focus on your authentic, evolving self-care first thing in the morning and discover how to be an influencer. (Link in my bio!) Last weekend, I went with my two guys to see the lotuses in full bloom and together, we soaked in the beauty. Despite us still having no idea what’s happening with our car (it’s been at the dealership for a week because they can’t get it to turn on), I’ve been feeling really content and able to adapt to life’s ups and downs. That is, until last night, when I lost all sense of calm. What happened was that Micah went out with a friend and I used a free evening to catch up on my to do list, which amped me up. Then, as imbalance craves imbalance, I decided to watch a really exciting TV show before bed. Then, when Micah got home, he took a long time winding down before bed and I tossed in turned in frustration because although I was tired, I wanted to wait for him to join me so he wouldn’t wake me up again. By the time he got in bed, I was pissed at him and we got in a fairly playful fight which was fine but amped me up more. Then, we both turned over to fall asleep and just as I was dozing off, Dinah, our cat pounced on me. Micah slept through it and I woke up, exhausted and started to seethe. To make it worse, our young neighbors got a new motorbike which they were driving up and down our back ally after midnight. Suddenly, I was so angry at the world. My mind filled with hateful thoughts and despite doing breathing exercises and trying to meditate, it only got worse. I finally had to say a prayer of surrender that whatever momentum that was happening was stronger than me and I needed help. I dozed off not long after that and woke up this morning feeling hungover and humbled. Yes, I’ve been able to pretty calmly navigate a couple months of mishaps using self-care. And yes, a bad night can still bring me to a very dark place. It helps me remember that we don’t use self-care to fix ourselves (that’s self-improvement and it doesn’t work), rather we use self-care to do the best we can. It’s a form of self-care to realize I’m always going to fall apart and that it’s ok when I do. I’m human and learning and sometimes in the falling apart I can learn my lessons more deeply.
Come practice yoga with me today at Yoga in the Park! I’ve taught at #YITP for the past seven years (this photo was taken last year when I was pretty darn pregnant) and love it so much. It’s a free event that is open to all, especially beginners. Just show up and breath and stretch with us! (We’re in the northwest corner, look for all the yoga mats.) Thanks to @hotspotdupont for always organizing so beautifully! It’s been a while since I’ve posted and I’m not quite sure where to start. I guess, first, a little recap is in order. In the last month we: bought a house, had our car and my phone stolen during the walkthrough (we recovered the car right away but not my phone), moved into our new house (lovely), Jonah got viral pinkeye, then we each got the virus (though luckily not the pinkeye) which turned into a sinus infection for Micah, our car was stolen again, Micah threw his back out, Jonah got hand/foot/mouth (omg that one is brutal!), and finally, this weekend the police found our car in not great shape. It’s been one wave after another of challenging, time-consuming situations that need my attention with a backdrop of aching sadness and boiling rage over the greater political picture. Intellectually, it’s way more than I can handle, but the truth is that I’m actually ok. I’m still eating three good meals a day, getting in bed by 10pm, going to therapy, and finding time to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race (my favorite). Also, Jonah started walking this month and watching him teeter around with a huge grin fills me with joy. Once again, I am sustained and energized by the power of self-care. Rather than feel exhausted by my situation, I feel compassion for how much so many of us are struggling. I see the work I need to do in the world - creating space for social justice and true equity through self-care - more clearly. Expect much more on this front from me in the near future. In the meantime, check out the post I wrote for Ten Directions on Self-Care for Facilitating Conversations about Racism. This is such important work for white people to be doing right now. Learn the self-care to challenge the status-quo. Link in bio. Love you all! Yesterday, I was part of creating this wild collaborative painting with a group of DC women (thanks for inviting me @manishatare !). For an hour, we painted over each other’s work and ended in a place more awesome than any of us could have gone alone. In my own life, I’ve decided to take a step back from a lot of things. I’ve paused my Wednesday newsletter, stopped recording new podcasts and I’m even letting go of visioning ahead. I’m doing this because I’m finally respecting that I’m just not in the workhorse mode right now. Truly, I haven’t been since the late stages of my pregnancy last year, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying to force myself back into high productivity. I’ve loved becoming a mother, but I’ve also felt so guilty and inadequate when it’s come to running my business. After a few years of surprising success, my ego was determined to evade failure. Well, guess what - I’ve failed! I know I can’t go back to how things were and I can’t quite see the way ahead. Wisdom tells me to willingly let my fields lie fallow for a while. I’m experiencing a real ego death as I do this, but I’m also being liberated from the constant pressure to do more, be more, have more. As Micah says, the only thing in nature that grows unchecked is cancer. For everything else, there are seasons and cycles, endings and rebirths. Finally, I’m starting to realize that I’m part of the everything else and that feels like the sweetest exhalation ever.💜 Look at this guy! He’s almost nine months and rearing to go, having decided to skip crawling and go straight to walking (still with our guidance, for now). He’s also been so fussy this past week. He’s cutting his top two teeth and has some upper respiratory sickness and we took him away on retreat with us this weekend. Seeing life through his vulnerable perspective reminds me how difficult transitions are for us all. It brings up many messy emotions and often, literal pain. In our culture, we are so adverse to vulnerability. I cry listening to the news that our government is taking children away from their parents because...we need to teach them a lesson? The people who are making decisions have built a wall between themselves and their own tenderness. The result is that they can’t grow internally and instead, feel compelled to dominate externally, particularly abusing those who are more vulnerable than them. It’s sickening to me, and then, so hard to see how I do it too in subtle ways. This is where this self-care work comes into the bigger picture. If we can’t honor the tender, messy parts of ourselves as necessary and valuable, then there is no way we can treat the vulnerability outside of us with anything but contempt. When we watch the news and feel powerless to make a change in the world, let’s try looking inside. Care for the broken, messy parts of yourself. See what it opens up. See how much more compassion and capacity you have to help others from this place. It’s not self-indulgent. It’s not naval-gazing. It’s necessary and it’s hard work. Let’s do it together. Let’s start today. This! My bullet points don’t seem to mean much these days and that seems to be making all the meaning. Thanks to @wellinthewest for passing on this bit of brilliance! Here's another great shot from @annmarieloveslove 😍 I think this one gets the spirit of our family. It's so sweet and it's also so consuming. Jonah is sick again today and I'm home with him on a daycare day. It's hard to think I have a day for myself and then shift that expectation so quickly. Yet Micah has a big briefing tomorrow and it's much easier for me to change my schedule. I'm ok with this but it's still hard. Being almost nine months into motherhood, I'm struck by how much easier it's getting and how much more challenging it seems at the same time. I am sleeping more and Jonah can play by himself for longer. We've figured out the right balance for us between disposable and cloth diapers, and learned how to make our own baby food (so fun!). The harder part is that in reaching this milestone of time, I'm realizing that there truly is no going back. I'm not going to pick back up on my work in the same way. I won't be able to be in relationship like I was before. I'm having to reform who I am and what I want from the ground up. This restructuring of identity is deep work. This is where I guide my clients. Our fear of change is pretty much always what blocks our self-care. Something in us-usually not a very conscious part of us-is super afraid of who we will be on the other side of all that empowering change and who we will disappoint in the process. But, we're never going to be content until we allow ourselves to evolve. It's scary, it's hard and it makes us do things we don't want to do. And we will never feel satisfied until we figure out a way to courageously work through the hardness of personal growth. We emerge on the other side, muscles aching and so proud of ourselves. In that way, motherhood is a gift. Before meeting Micah Haskell-Hoehl, I had gotten pretty comfortable in my ruts of life. I was good at who I was. Now, I'm pretty uncomfortable a lot of the time, but I am growing in such deeply important ways. I think this is the stuff we talk about when we talk about "adulting." It's not about having kids, getting married or buying a house. (Continued in the comments...)