Why Messiness is a Good Thing

Here are a few of my favorite summer treats so far (green smoothie bowl with chia + hemp hearts, beautiful farmers market cherries, date coconut energy balls, and cantaloupe juice). 

Here are a few of my favorite summer treats so far (green smoothie bowl with chia + hemp hearts, beautiful farmers market cherries, date coconut energy balls, and cantaloupe juice). 

Whoosh, we are in July!  Thank you all for an amazing June as we waded (sometimes through knee-high muck) our way through the path of Liberate Your Love.  Hopefully, from our journey together, you’re learning to set better boundaries, understanding your anger, and practicing the kind of self-care that wakes up real love in your life.

If you missed any of those podcasts, then please have a listen here.  

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Also, please accept this free gift called a “Vision for a Beautiful Life.”  

This vision summarizes what I've learned from seeing my clients take their own empowering journeys through focusing on their self-care.

Their amazing results have helped me  understand my own journey! I used to think my anxiety and loneliness were my problems. Now I'm understanding that they are actual societal issues resulting from separating ourselves from our basic humanity--our love and compassion.

The good news about naming this issue is that now we can work on it! This journey of real self-love has to start as individuals, but if enough of us do it, then together we can change culture. I so believe that.

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After a month of exploration, I really do feel the effects of our inner work.  I’m using anger more skillfully and noticing far less passive aggressive behavior in myself (which can be as subtle as sitting on an email for a few extra days, or as overt as exploding at someone without warning).  

Also, my relationship with food feels a little more relaxed.  I’m feeling my hunger and my fullness with increased clarity.  If I do eat emotionally or overindulge, I’m noticing more internal gentleness.  It’s easier to forgive myself and start over the next day.

These are all important boundaries for me.  As I set them, I feel safer in myself and in my life.  My strength and courage are emerging in ways I can’t deny.

Yet instead of making everything *finally* perfect, I’m actually feeling messier.  Yup, all of this strength and courage are actually helping me to practice more self-honesty.  When I am really honest, I have to face the many ways I keep myself separate from love.

I have such a great desire for real love.  Perhaps we all do.  Perhaps that is why we are all here--to look into our deepest yearnings for love and be humbled by how much we want to be held in connection to others.  And to see how poorly we achieve this most of the time.

Looking back, I’ve arranged my whole life around becoming more loveable.  There were reasons why I didn’t get my fair share of love and connection growing up.  Like many people growing up in dysfunctional homes, I believed that if I were just a teeny bit more perfect, then I would be loved.

But I never really felt it, and so I worked harder, and didn’t feel it, and then worked harder…..

As Brene Brown has taught us, this is the myth of perfection.  The logic goes, “If I just do this all correctly then I will be finally worthy of love.  If I am not feeling worthy, then I must not be doing it correctly.”

Perfectionism is a tricky one.  I can play that game well.  I’m really, really good at making it all look good.  Perfectionism is the addiction to control, and I’m skillful at staying in control.   This control has helped me  start a business, have a great, very tidy apartment and a full social calendar.

But control is also what holds me back from the love I desire.

I’m learning that real love is the one thing I can’t quite unlock on my own.  Real love comes from connection, which comes from being in relationships, which comes from being messy.  

For me to go into my messiness, it means a very deep surrender.  My perfectionism blocks most attempts at authentic human connection, because it doesn’t feel safe.  This leaves me feeling empty, even when I’m surrounded by others.

So what do I do?  Make a new friend?  Buy another book?  Get back on Tinder?

No, no, no.  That’s not it.  If it were it, then I would have figured it out by now.

I don’t have this figured out.  But what seems to be helping the most are prayer, surrender, crying my eyes out over old and new pain, and really letting myself be seen for my messiness with people I trust.

I’m finally understanding real self-care, the kind that is administered with a gentle voice and soft hand.  I’m letting myself be seen, warts and all, and finally learning how to receive a damn compliment (whoa, that is vulnerable).

I’m establishing a true relationship with my own higher power.  It feels different than I thought it would.  I’ve talked about God before, but it felt far away.  This feels personal, visceral and completely available to me in any moment.  It’s completely compassionate and it humbles me.

In short, I am really practicing the things that I teach.  I’m cultivating my self-awareness to see where I am holding back from my own heart.  As the path is rocky, I am really using my self-care practices to stay steady.  And I’m allowing myself to be supported by a few groups of people who truly care about my growth and development.

I’m doing all of that, and it’s working.  The ice is melting around my heart.  I won’t glamourize it, though--it’s incredibly painful.  All of my addictive patterns are popping up.  The sh*tty voice in my head is screaming at me.  I’m realizing how hard it is for me to trust, but I’m doing it anyway.

There are so many moments where I want to give up and turn back. And yet there’s no turning back on the spiritual path.  Once I see something, I can’t unsee it.  So my work is to keep walking forward as love continues to beckon me.

I share this as a reminder that we are all in this together.  Your liberation is my liberation.  I’m going to keep working and do my best to stay inspired.

My clients help me the most with inspiration.  They take amazing risks in order to really know themselves.  It blows me away.  Next week I’m going to share more of their stories, their courage and their big beautiful love.

In the meantime, I still have one open spot in the fall session of Self Care 101.  Read more here and please message me today if you are interested!

With immense love….

XO,

Gracy