I Made My Decision

I love my new piece of art from the hilarious Mari Andrews. 

I love my new piece of art from the hilarious Mari Andrews

Last week I talked about the challenging yet fertile place of being in choice paralysis.  For me, this in-between space is a time to define my values and listen deeper to my own quiet yet powerful voice.  It was a difficult moment and I dreamed of the loveliness that would come by now, when I had finally made a decision.  

Indeed, a week has passed and I have made my decision.  Wheeeeeeew (big sigh of relief).

As some of you know, I wrote the first draft of my book in August. I did it as part of a supported nine-week group writing program.  This program was brilliantly designed and gave me more inspiration, guidance and momentum to write than I could muster on my own.  

What felt completely elusive--writing an actual book--became a reality.  I found my own imperfect way to celebrate this victory.  I soaked in the accomplishment of achieving a big life dream.

However, the first draft is only one step of the book-writing process.  The writing program offered a continuity track that would not only publish my book but also teach me how to restructure my business to more effectively grow this message of empowerment through self-care.

I checked in with myself, and my intuition gave me the thumbs up. I’ve always made my decisions with this inner feeling of “yes,” and in this instance I heard it loud and clear.  Investing in my business has never been a problem for me, and this felt like a sound investment.

But then something strange happened.  Once I had committed to this intensive year of publishing and growing, the strong feeling of “yes” went away.  It was replaced by a quieter voice that urged me to slow down and ask some bigger questions.  It told me that perhaps there was another way to publish this book, although it gave no details as to what that would look like.

In my life, I’ve always chosen growth and expansion.  I’m a hard worker and I can recognize good opportunities.  As a result, I’ve quickly grown a successful coaching business that helps people and gives me meaningful work that I love.  I’ve taken amazing trainings that expanded my perspective.  I wrote a book in nine weeks.  I’m an action-oriented person.

So why wouldn’t I take this next step?  Truly, I don’t know.  If I could have given this feeling better words then perhaps the choice wouldn’t have felt so hard to make.  It wouldn’t have kept me up at night and wouldn’t have made me ask every person I know for advice.

I went back and forth on my decision.  By the end, I saw it from every perspective.  Publishing with this program would be great.  Doing something on my own could be incredible. I had fears about both options.  I felt all of my values competing--structure vs. flow, mostly--and knew that there wasn’t a right answer.  I just had to make a choice.

In the end, I chose the other path, the one of mystery and faith.  I decided to walk straight ahead into what I cannot see at all.

Even after I decided, I put off writing the goodbye email.  I felt like when I closed that door, my successful future would be ripped from me as well.  I wanted to keep the window open so I could climb back through.

Finally on Friday, I hit “send.”  The program director refunded my money within minutes and wrote me a very nice message, wishing me the best.  I cried big, ugly tears and felt like I had made a horrible mistake.  I felt alone, scared….

….and also oddly inspired.

Now, it’s been a few days and my decision feels firm. Truly it’s lovely to not be stuck.  That decision-making place is exhausting.  I feel like I got off a fast-moving treadmill.  Without such an intense timeline, I’m re-engaging with the simple pleasures of my life again.  I’m amazed by how happy I feel with what I already have.

So now what?  Well let’s see….I want to keep slowing down and appreciating my lovely little life.  And my intention is to still publish my book.  I think these ideas about self-care as a way to have a better relationship with yourself are worth sharing.  

How that will happen is a real mystery to me, and I’ve decided to let it be that for a while.

After so many years of strong-arming my life, I’ve decided to let these next steps just come to me.  Maybe it will take years.  Maybe things will fall apart in the meantime.  I really don’t know.  

Yet I feel I have no choice but to slow down, wait and see how this develops.

Of course this unknown path could be more magical than I ever imagined.  This is my secret hope---not just for me, but for all of us.  My dream is that allowing this book to be formed by surrender and faith could be a model for us to all listen to ourselves in deeper ways.  It would be so great to see how letting go could be the most successful option of all.

As always, I’ll keep you updated.  I will let you know how it develops, and I’m open to your ideas and inspiration.

In the same spirit of allowing things to just be, I am beginning the chillest launch ever of my Winter Self Care 101 program.

(Which I also believe could be the most magical round of Self Care 101 yet: full of free gifts and special guests and other fun surprises that have made me so happy to dream up as I transition to coaching with other great people.)  

Every season, I stress myself out worrying about whether this life-changing 10-week program will fill with 20 awesome women who are ready to learn a whole new kind of self-care as a way to get unstuck in their lives.  

As a united group of women, we cover the basics of self-care--from setting strong boundaries to learning why you always get tired at 3pm--and make real breakthroughs.  

Despite my stress, every session the group fills up with the exact right ladies who are ready to make their breakthroughs.  I’m finally learning to set aside my need for control and trust in the process.  Experience has taught me that it’s way better than anything I could control.

So my pledge to you all, until the program begins on December 4th, is to write this newsletter every Wednesday and share the deepest forms of self-care that I know.  I will continue to remind you that the Winter Self Care 101 program is happening, and I may reach out to a few of you personally if I think it would be a good fit.

If you would like to apply, then please fill out this application and schedule a free 30-minute session with me.  I’ll explain more about the program, and we can decide together if it would be a good fit for your own process.  

Thank you all for being with me during this journey.  It’s so meaningful that I can share what is really happening as I create a business life that is in integrity with my spiritual life.  It’s the vision I have for our future, and I know this will only happen with the support of bright souls like you.  

I’m here for your questions and ideas.  I’m here to listen deeply inside.  I’m here to walk this bumpy path.  I’m here, I’m here, I’m so completely here.