A few of you have been wondering how Poncho and Jonah are getting along. The answer is that they had their first real meeting this weekend (Poncho was here for our home birth but that was a crazy night for us all).
This is because I share Poncho with my ex - going four years strong in this arrangement - and he's been great about keeping him when I couldn't get out of bed, let alone walk the guy.
I was nervous about taking Poncho back, not because of how he would react to the babe but because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough energy to give Poncho the affection he's used to from me.
Do others go through this fear of care-taking scarcity? Having a baby is stretching me to my limits. It's hard to find energy for myself, let alone for any other being but Jonah.
Even when I heard about the shootings in Las Vegas yesterday, my first reaction was "I don't know if I have the emotional energy to take that in."
Of course, I was forgetting everything I've learned about real care-giving. When I'm tuned in from a place of actual open-hearted love (rather than my habit of self-sacrifice), the energy renews itself.
Being with Poncho was really wonderful and comforting (and he seemed mildly interested in the baby but still very focused on the cat). Praying for the victims families and talking to Micah about US gun culture helped me feel connected instead of disoriented by the violence.
Once again, I am humbled by how much I can learn about real self-care. Luckily, I'm fascinated by the process and love what mothering is showing me. I'm more committed than ever to seeing through my own denial and realizing that I can keep my heart open to whatever is happening.
In any moment that might mean rest, or speaking out or just tears of empathy. There's no formula except staying self-aware enough to care. Whatever it is, I trust this care to guide the way while also helping to sustain the journey.