Here's one of me with the little guy!

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Postpartum body real talk: I haven't posted many pictures of us together because I haven't like how I looked. 

So I gained 43 lbs while I was pregnant. During my first two trimesters I was careful with my diet and because it was challenging, I ate whatever comforted me in my third trimester. 

Throughout it all, I felt pretty beautiful. I mostly do now too, except when I see pictures of myself. They remind me of the places that used to be muscle and now are soft and how that is a weakness somehow. They tell me I have to get it all back together or I never will. 

Reasoning with myself, I affirm that my body has just done the most amazing thing ever (and continues to as I breastfeed Jonah and he grows). It tells me nine months in and thus nine months out for my body to heal. What's most important now is that I keep resting. 

But those other voices never quite go away. 

For me, self-care is recognizing both sides as true: 1) I'm not totally free from believing in the cultural expectation that I need to lose my pregnancy weight quickly or else lose my worth as a woman (scarcity mentality!) and 2) it's all BS and I'm just going to enjoy the miracle of life (abundance!). 

Embracing both helps me to be softer with myself. Maybe someday I'll really be at total peace with my body but today I'll just practice self-awareness and let it all be the messy, beautiful process that this is.