12 Months

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Jonah turns one on Sunday! To celebrate, I want to share more about motherhood here this week.

Lately, I’ve been eager to talk about different topics - racism, classism, empathy - partly because they are so necessary for this moment and partly because I don’t want my life and work to be centered in motherhood.

However, a year after Jonah was born, I see my ability to share on these difficult subjects in direct correlation to the softening of myself that’s happened since becoming a mother.

I don’t want to romanticize parenting - my tenderization has been joyful but also oh so painful - and I think this softening can happen in many different ways for different people. I just know for me, my heart changed when I saw the “+” sign on the pregnancy test (surprise!).

I just LOVE Jonah so much. I am just so AFRAID of something happening to him. I now relate to how many other people feel about their children and how this makes us do so many noble and terrible things in the world.

Raising Jonah through the ups-and-downs of this first year (almost two, if you count growing him in my womb) has awakened a much bigger compassion in me. I feel more pain, but I think I suffer less. I delight more in my days. I’ve taken on this glorious and unnerving weight of love.

This reality reminds me often of how much I have to lose and how much so many of us have lost. It’s a groundless place to live - as Pema Chodron might describe it - but if I’m practicing enough self-care, living in this space keeps me ever so close to my heart.

(More on the motherhood self-care piece tomorrow!)